Personal Vidui: Forgiving Myself

I am confronted by the urgency of this day.
My heart pounds as I rush to repent before the Gates close. 
But repent to whom/to what?
Help me cut through the unknown that blocks me
So that I can know myself and know You.
Without that knowledge repentance means nothing.
Help me God
Forgive me God, I pray over and over again
But I am met with silence.
Louder, again and again I call out as I pound my chest
Listing my wrong doings
Listing my failings
Listing my shortcomings
But I am met with silence.
Aware of the seriousness of my situation I turn within for help
Softer, again and again I murmur as I pound my chest
Searching for a way forward 
Searching for a key to forgiveness. 
Searching for you, God.
Anticipating 

But I know that only I have the key to my forgiveness.
Without forgiveness I am lost.

Even as I pray to you I know I am praying that I have strength and wisdom to face myself
 
Will I be able to forgive my wrongdoings;

Forgive my failings;
Forgive my shortcomings?
 
Can I acknowledge that I am not the sum total of my sins?
Can I acknowledge that I am also
Good
Generous
Feeling
Helping others?

Yes, I make mistakes
Yes, I miss the mark

And yes, I am human.

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