Personal Vidui: Forgiving Myself

I am confronted by the urgency of this day.

My heart pounds as I rush to repent before the Gates close. 
But repent to whom/to what?

Help me cut through the unknown that blocks me

So that I can know myself and know You.

Without that knowledge repentance means nothing.

Help me God

Forgive me God, I pray over and over again

But I am met with silence.

Louder, again and again I call out as I pound my chest

Listing my wrong doings

Listing my failings

Listing my shortcomings

But I am met with silence.

Aware of the seriousness of my situation I turn within for help

Softer, again and again I murmur as I pound my chest

Searching for a way forward 
Searching for a key to forgiveness. 
Searching for you, God.
Anticipating 

But I know that only I have the key to my forgiveness.
Without forgiveness I am lost.

Even as I pray to you I know I am praying that I have strength and wisdom to face myself
 
Will I be able to forgive my wrongdoings;

Forgive my failings;

Forgive my shortcomings?
 

Can I acknowledge that I am not the sum total of my sins?
Can I acknowledge that I am also

Good
Generous
Feeling
Helping others?

Yes, I make mistakes
Yes, I miss the mark

And yes, I am human.