From grief to teshuvah, returning
A passage through
narrowed caves,
graveyards, wilderness,
down rivers, across oceans
on rubbled brick and asphalt,
from grief and mourning
returning
traumatic assaults passed on
through tissue and cell memories,
woven through language, breathe,
recalling cherished homes, felled
forests, burning sanctuaries,
that old helplessness
despair, defeat, the long
laments of the interior
wounds –
if only
if only I had lived
with more audacity,
love, forgiveness.
if only
I had been less
devoted to worshiping
my unworthiness
allowing this spinning planet
be my trusted partner
in the practices
of belonging.
Elul emerges
from smoke and fog
with the voices of two hawks
cawing, longing to find
food, each other,
as crickets, grasshoppers
sing for the beloved,
from the shimmering blue
lake merging with indigo mountains
illuminated letters etched
in overhanging cloud,
from the sanctuary of ten
oaks encircling my home
dwarfing and elongating
me with delight, gratitude, awe,
from the grace of a steady rain
in the midst of a long drought.
I move from Av to Elul
shepherding my wandering
intentions and ancient
grief, to respond
with ferocious loving attention
to the desecrated air, burning
fields, mountains, wasting rivers,
to the calling of all
assaulted species
for witness, repair
every flower, every leaf
suckling on light
calls me awake
as mother, child
as body, earth
my teshuvah
