When a Jewish couple gets engaged today, the process is pretty simple. The groom-to-be buys his fiancée a ring, places a picture in the local paper’s engagement section and voila! They’re engaged.
Things are more complicated for some Orthodox Jewish couples, but they still don’t approach the complexity of biblical times. In those days, engagement or betrothal, usually referred to as shiduchin, was a distinct, separate part of the marriage process.
Early Judaism barely recognized women—and some feminists would argue that things haven’t changed that much since then. Brides were purchased like chattel. The groom’s family paid a mohar (dowry) to the bride’s family; the woman then effectively became the groom’s property.
However, she remained in her father’s house until the marriage ceremony.
Although marriages were usually prearranged by the families, both young people had to give their full approval to the bond. We see this in Genesis 24:57, where the agents of both Laban and AbrahamAbraham is the first patriarch and the father of the Jewish people. He is the husband of Sarah and the father of Isaac and Ishmael. God's covenant - that we will be a great people and inherit the land of Israel - begins with Abraham and is marked by his circumcision, the first in Jewish history. His Hebrew name is Avraham. arranged for RebeccaThe second Jewish matriarch, Isaac's wife, and mother to Jacob and Esau. Rebecca is an active parent, talking to God when she is pregnant and learning the fate of her children, then ultimately manipulating Isaac and the children to ensure Jacob's ascendancy. Her Hebrew name is Rivka. to marry IsaacAbraham and Sarah's much-longed-for son and the second Jewish patriarch. Isaac is nearly sacrificed by his father at God's command (Genesis 22). He is married to Rebecca and is the father of Esau and Jacob. His Hebrew name is Yitzchak.. Before the agreement was completed, Rebecca was asked for her consent.
By post-biblical and early Talmudic times, the betrothal or engagement ceremony became a highly festive occasion marked by feasting and celebration in the home of the bride’s father. The groom declared in the presence of two witnesses, “Be thou consecrated to me, be thou betrothed to me, be thou my wife.” The betrothal ceremony, which resembles our present-day wedding vows, could only be annulled by formal divorce. In some areas of ancient IsraelLit. ''the one who struggles with God.'' Israel means many things. It is first used with reference to Jacob, whose name is changed to Israel (Genesis 32:29), the one who struggles with God. Jacob's children, the Jewish people, become B'nai Israel, the children of Israel. The name also refers to the land of Israel and the State of Israel., such as the Galilee, the betrothed bride and groom were kept strictly apart until marriage, whereas in nearby Judea, they were allowed to meet at the home of the bride’s father.
During the Middle Ages, the concept of marriage as a form of purchase agreement had dwindled, and the concept of betrothal as a separate event died out.
By the 12th century, the betrothal and wedding ceremony took place on the same day. And by the 15th century, the betrothal and marriage were performed simultaneously as a single event, which has evolved into our present-day marriage ceremony.
Among many Orthodox AshkenaziJew of Eastern European descent. The term also refers to the practices and customs associated with this community, often in contrast to Sephardic (Southern European) traditions. Jews, remnants of the betrothal ceremony remain in the custom of tena’im, which means “conditions.” In the shtetls of Europe this was a formal ceremony, often celebrated on a semi-holiday such as Lag B’OmerA spring festival. According to tradition, the plague which killed many of Rabbi Akiba's students lifted on the 33rd day of the Omer. Thus, while the Omer is observed as a period of mourning, mourning is lifted on Lag B'Omer. It is a popular day to get married (the only one during the Omer, according to Ashkenazic practice: from that day forward, according to Sephardic and modern liberal practice). The holiday is traditionally celebrated with bonfires, and three-year-old boys receive their first haircut. Today, some three-year-old girls will also have their hair cut amidst celebration on Lag B'Omer., when a contract setting the wedding date and any prenuptial agreements was signed. If any of the tena’im were broken, many halakhic problems arose.
Since World War II, it has become usual to hold the tena’im ceremony just before the wedding so there is no chance clauses in the tena’im will be broken.
In a typical ceremony, the agreement is read by the rabbi and signed by the bride’s and groom’s parents. The couple’s mothers then break a china dish or piece of crockery over a chair or table. Pieces of the dish are kept by the parents. In some circles, any unmarried women on hand vie for a piece of the broken dish, as this is thought to be a favorable omen for their own future. Sometimes pieces of the china are made into jewelry, which is given to the bride’s friends.
The custom of breaking a dish at the tena’im ceremony arose in Germany during the Middle Ages when not just the couple’s mothers but also every woman at the ceremony smashed a dish she had brought. The custom, which probably copied that of southern peasant Germans who broke dishes at an engagement to frighten away demons, was altered in Jewish thought to be a reminder of the destruction of JerusalemLit. City of peace From the time of David to the Roman destruction, Jerusalem was the capital of Israel and the spiritual and governmental center of the Jewish people. During the long exile, Jews longed to return to Jerusalem and wrote poems, prayers, and songs about the beloved city. In 1967, with the capture of the Old City, Jerusalem was reunited, becoming "the eternal capital of Israel." Still, the longing for peace is unfulfilled.. There is no custom of tena’im among SephardicJews of Spanish descent; sometimes used to describe Jews of North-African and Middle-Eastern descent. The term also describes the customs and practices of these Jews, often in comparison to those of Ashkenazi (Eastern European) Jews. Jews.
In some Ashkenazi Orthodox circles, a custom known as vort (Yiddish for “word”) is celebrated to announce a couple’s engagement. This is a festive meal during which the groom-to-be or the rabbi or both deliver a d’var TorahA sermon or talk explicating a Jewish text. Plural: Divrei Torah (Bible lesson). A kinyanLit. Acquisition In a traditional wedding, the bride is "acquired" by the groom. The kinyan is effected by the giving of a small object, usually a ring. Under traditional Jewish law, a bride cannot acquire a groom -- therefore, this act cannot be made mutual. Liberal Jews have found various ways to work around this dilemma although the Orthodox community, for the most part, does not accept these solutions. (taking hold of a handkerchief or napkin held by the rabbi, an act indicating formal acceptance of the pending marriage) may also be included in the vort ceremony. Most families feel this is too binding an obligation, however, and merely drink a toast.
With Orthodoxy’s movement to the right in America, the vort ceremony—which 50 years ago was almost unknown except in hasidic circles—has become increasingly prevalent.
