Dancing With Torah

INVITATION TO THE DANCE:
This poem is a segment of my dance with Torah…so many phrases, steps, pauses, turns, jumps, leaps and falls make up the dance. I have been dancing with Torah since I opened her scroll in 1984 and fell in love with her, even though I knew her only through the words of others, for I did not know a letter of Hebrew then. I was a willing partner, she my patient, insistent teacher.

The big learning for me this Simchat Torah, my 41 st dance with her, is that my discomfort, dismay and disgust – and apologies – for the sections that are xenophobic, violent, misogynistic, are there for me to learn some very uncomfortable truths about myself. Now. No turning away or skimming over these sections again as I admittedly have again and again, afraid that if I embraced them I would somehow contaminate my relationship with Torah, with Judaism, with Jews. Can I now embrace these truths? And
then what? Will they help me better appreciate the choices before me in how to live my life or how to best participate in this broken and glorious world?

As I wrestle with what is it to be a human being, in these times that hourly reveal the despicable, loathsome, abhorrent, cruel, vicious, behavior of my fellow humans – I cannot hide from the fact that I am, whether I like to acknowledge it or not, of the same species. And capable of the same behavior. Capable, but not destined to act in these ways. Nothing new. Just so up close and personal now. What inspires their behavior? My behavior? Our behavior? I may find some theories new to me. Or not.

Can I drop the editor’s red pencil, to see what they reveal to me now? Of course, this is nothing new in the world of Torah study. I have never approached Torah as a blue-print of how we should live, rather as a veritable, venerable, sacred path to unlocking the many doors that may lead to an ultimate TRUTH. I do not know if there is an ultimate truth – or that, if it exists that I will find it.

As I do my best to navigate my 80th rotation around the sun, I want to gain a deeper understanding and acceptance of my own humanness, the primal human emotions within me that I need/want to wrestle with at this time of my life – through the words, letters, white spaces and fire of Torah. I don’t think the metaphor of “going through the fire” is one I welcome right now, even if my fears might ultimately be quenched by what I find. “Dance” is my metaphor of choice – as it has always been.

I want to approach Torah as an “invitation to the dance”. The dance of Life. My dance. The dance that responds and reflects, releases and reforms the eons of accumulated wisdom of Earth and Earthlings, Cosmos and Universes – birthing, becoming, transforming. Whew! And now – the Dance begins – AGAIN! With a poem.
““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““`

DANCING WITH TORAH
Simchat Torah 5786

“ETZ CHAYYIM HEE”
SHE IS A TREE OF LIFE

Etz Chayyim Hee
She is a tree of life
Oh, my Torah
Burning into my heart
As I cradle you in my arms
Cradling you
As you cradle me
Your stories are
My stories
You know me
You are me
My life is written
In your letters
Your white spaces
Allow me to grow
My stories

Our stories

The stories
I wish
Were never written
Wars, deception,
Abduction
Slavery, stoning
Death, destruction
Genocide
Stories that are
Not-stories
Stories that I carry in
My flesh, blood, bones
Stories that ebb and flow
In my anger, lusts,
Hates, jealousies,
Greed
Stories for me to live out

Or
Wrestle with
Stories stowed within me
And exposed in your letters
For me, your child,
To store away
Or re-store
Re-story
But never to discard
Stories that re-mind me
Of my capacity
Human/woman/me
To be a scourge
On our earth
Or turn
Turn my own swords
Into plowshares
That dig,
Reach
Into the fragrant soil

Of our Earth
Rooted
Growing
My tree of life
Yes, yes
Your fruit can be so sweet
There are stories
I roll
On my tongue
Sucking every sweet morsel
Of tenderness and
Love
Stories
Of yearning and turning
Of courage and compassion
Startling beauty of life
Burgeoning
Of peoplehood for the
Communal good
And, and, and…
Absorbing
The hidden sparks
That are released
When I dare
To listen
To dance
in your arms
However I may
Stumble over
The daunting steps
When,
Oh Tree of Life,
I sway in your branches
Attuned to
Your inner rhythm
Each leaf is a lesson
In living
And dying
And
Leaving

Each leaf
Catching Light
Holding Light
Formed of light
And dark
Forces
Seen and unseen
Connected
Intrinsically
With all of life
In all of life’s transformations
Yes, when I lean on your
Breast
Cry into your arms
You hold me
Me

You hold me – one old woman
Soon to be at one with the soil
(not too soon!)
But soon.
While I am here
I am your precious child
I am safe
In your arms through all
The storms of life
Beloved tree of life
I am
One of your stories
At one with your stories
My story
Our story
Etz Chayyim Hee
She Is A Tree Of Life