Ritual for a Girl on her First Menstruation, Welcoming your Daughter into Womanhood

For Lila*

I see you almost in flashes
My and not my other woman
Baby child girl woman
woman girl child baby
Refractions of light fast as moving pictures
Simultaneous quadruple exposure
You are absolutely perfect
More beautiful than you know

Even when we yell and rage at each other
Even when tense with the struggle to be close and distant
I watch you
Revel in your blooming as I fade

You entering spring
As I summer’s echo still
Remembering through you my own spring
Grateful to be passing on whatever I can to you
My future Yet singly your own

Curious I wonder
Transparenting through each other’s lives
What will you carry forward? What drop?
What pass into shadow? What remember?

Will I have given to you that which I meant to give?
What gifts accidentally bestowed?
Will they be good and fruitful for you?
Or two-edged?
Or God forbid worse?

I remember my mother
Edges of the two-edged sword still cut and give strength
Seeing your vulnerability
I pray for your safety and protection
You are so romantic so full of hope and dreams
I am awed by your gifts and beauties

Hopeful and frightened I pray
Please let the mistakes she makes not be fatal
Let her be fulfilled and happy in her life
May love always surround her
May she have peace
May the doors to each other’s heart
Always remain open
And someday may we sit together as friends do
Talking about the wonder of it all
And laughing

*I wrote this poem in 1989 when my daughter was 13, shortly after the ritual described below.

RITUAL:

You may want to tell your daughter the story that in the days gone by, perhaps the days of her grandmother or great-grandmother, there was a tradition that a mother would give her daughter a hard slap on her face at learning of her first moon.

Because this is a time of joy and celebration of her blooming into womanhood, let her know that you would never repeat that ritual.

Because you alone know your daughter, you can create your own personal ritual that incorporates elements of you know your daughter to be, and for you to express your hopes for the woman she is becoming.

I share this ritual as inspiration for you to create your own.

It was originally created to celebrate my daughter’s first moon. Since I didn’t have a mikveh but resonated with the idea of submerging in water, I decided to celebrate my daughter’s entrance into womanhood with a bath.

I made a lovely, scented bubble bath for the two of us to sit in, placing a low stool beside the bath. On the stool I placed a bowl of almonds, a bowl of raisins, and a bowl of chocolate chips. Also, my fanciest glass filled with pure water.

Then climbed in so we were facing each other in the tub.

If you’re more comfortable, make the bubble bath for her and once she’s in, sit on a stool or low chair beside the tub.

Note: This ritual is only to give you, ideas for how you might want yours to look.

Holding up the glass said the blessing:

“Barakha at Ya Shekhina Eloheinu Ruakh ha olam. Blessed Divine Presence, our God, Holy One Spirit of the Universe. Bless this Holy sacred water, water of Life, water from the well of Life. And bless our ancestress Miriam, whose wells insured the life of our people.”

“May this blessed water bring you long and healthy life.”

I sipped the water and passed the glass for her to sip.

Then I fed her a raisin saying, “This is raisin is so your life will be sweet, juicy and fruitful.”

The nuts came next: “Let your life be fun and even a little nutty, but also let these nuts represent the seeds of whatever you want to plant in your life so you and those you choose may be nurtured and grow in goodness”.

Last I gave her the chocolate chips:

“Here’s some chocolate so that you will enjoy an extra sweet life, with love and energy for all you wish to do. Chocolate is full of endorphins which your body produces when you love.”

After that, we both were able to share our stories, hopes and visions, nibbling the raisins, nuts and chocolate and sipping the water.

When we felt we’d been there long enough, we got out of the tub and had a special dinner to celebrate.

FURTHER INSPIRATIONS:

I recently spoke with my now 50-year-old daughter, about what she’d done to celebrate her daughter’s first moon. It was unique to the two of them and yet related to what I’d done for her.

She told me she’d rented an Air BnB for the night and after a special dinner they’d shared lists of aspirational words describing the qualities they wanted to develop and foster in their lives.

If my daughter Lila’s ritual inspired you, you might want to consider is the idea of sharing lists of aspirational words describing the qualities you each want to develop and foster in your lives.

The following segment of my ritual suddenly came to me after contemplating her idea of lists of words. Thus, we inspire each other.

ANOTHER IDEA OF SOMETHING TO DO BEFORE CONCLUDING YOUR RITUAL:

This is one I really wish I’d done: Each write two letters, from your future selves to your present self. The first from your imagined future self, ten years from now, and the second from your imagined self, twenty years in the future. When the letters are finished you might or might not choose to share these. Either way put them in a special place where you can come back together to remember this moment and read them one after ten years and the next after twenty have past.

AFTER THE RITUAL

As with most Jewish rituals: Time to eat, celebrate, relax and enjoy whatever is or feels delicious.

TO UNLOCK YOUR CREATIVITY

Remember, these are ideas to spark you to create your own unique ritual.

You might also think about choosing foods and activities that feel symbolic of what you would like to evoke with your ritual. Perhaps add fragrant flowers to evoke innocent sensuality. Use what you like and dispense with the rest.

Feel free to tailor it to suit your and your daughter’s needs.

QUESTIONS THAT MAY HELP

“What qualities and blessings do I wish for my daughter’s life?”

Think back and ask yourself, “How would I have wanted my entrance to womanhood celebrated?”

“Would my daughter prefer a surprise, or would she want to be part of planning her ritual for her?”

Because the teen years can be challenging on the relationship, may whatever you create give your daughter and you a wonderful time together. And may it provide a good foundation to help you both navigate the years ahead.

create your own unique ritual. Use what you like and dispense with the rest.

Feel free to tailor it to suit your and your daughter’s needs.

QUESTIONS THAT MAY HELP

“What qualities and blessings do I wish for my daughter’s life?”

Think back and ask yourself, “How would I have wanted my entrance to womanhood celebrated?”

“Would my daughter prefer a surprise, or would she want to be part of planning (your) ritual for her?” replace your with her or the

Because the teen years can be challenging on your relationship, may whatever you create,no comma here give your daughter and you a wonderful time together. And may it provide a good foundation to help you both navigate the years ahead.