A Ritual for Ending a Marriage

When a Jewish marriage has ended, there is an act that brings closure to the marriage—the granting of a גט/getA writ of divorce. Traditionally, only a man can grant his wife a get. Liberal Jews have amended this tradition, making divorce more egalitarian., a legal document of release. What follows here is a ritual intended for that purpose. I wrote it for my own divorce. It was important to me that we release each other, emotionally and spiritually, before the Days of Awe usher in the Jewish new year.

 

In the most traditional paradigm, the husband grants a get to the wife. In this ritual, the granting of the get is bilateral—each of the divorcing parties writes out a document of release and gives it to the other. Also, in this ritual the get is written in the vernacular, rather than in Aramaic. In theory a get can be written in any language, but in practice most are in Aramaic. My choice to use the vernacular follows on the custom of התרת נדרים/hatarat nedarimAnnulment of vows, associated with the High Holidays, especially the Yom Kippur liturgy, which includes a passage releasing Jews from vows made in the previous year., the pre-Rosh-Hashanah “untangling of vows,” which is done in the vernacular to ensure that the person seeking release knows what they’re saying.

 

I’ve been working on this ritual off and on for several months. We used it this morning: on Tu b’Elul, the midway point in the month of Elul, the last full moon of 5776. The Jack Gilbert poem at the beginning of the ritual is one of my favorites—I met him many years ago, and he was tremendous—though in part because it speaks in the voice of a partner grieving the departure of a wife, I would not have presumed to include it on my own. But Ethan brought it to me and asked whether I would be open to him reading it as part of the ritual, and I was glad to agree.

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1. Opening

Witness:

 

A marriage that has ended is like the first set of tablets and the covenant they represented. They were given in love, but then they shattered. Still, TorahThe Five Books of Moses, and the foundation of all of Jewish life and lore. The Torah is considered the heart and soul of the Jewish people, and study of the Torah is a high mitzvah. The Torah itself a scroll that is hand lettered on parchment, elaborately dressed and decorated, and stored in a decorative ark. It is chanted aloud on Mondays, Thursdays, and Shabbat, according to a yearly cycle. Sometimes "Torah" is used as a colloquial term for Jewish learning and narrative in general. teaches that we carried them thereafter in the ark along with the second set of tablets which remained whole. As the two of you move into a new chapter of your lives, you carry with you hopes for new wholeness—and you also carry the broken pieces of your marriage, which are also holy.

 

At your wedding you vowed to betroth yourselves to each other in righteousness, in lovingkindness, and in compassion. May those same qualities be present as you disentangle your lives and separate from one another.

 

As we open this ritual, we read the poem “Failing and Flying,” by Jack Gilbert of blessed memory.

2. The separate cup

Witness:

Beneath the huppahMarriage canopy symbolizing the couple's new home. you drank from a single cup, representing the shared cup of your life together. I pour wine now from that single cup into two glasses. Please join with me in blessing this wine, which you will sip each from your own cup, as you drink from your own cup of life henceforth.

בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה אֲדֹנָי אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם בּוֹרֵא פְּרִי הַגָפֶן

Barukh atah Adonai, eloheynu melekh ha’olam, borey pri hagafen.

A Fountain of Blessing are You, Adonai our God, sovereign of all space and time, creator of the fruit of the vine.

3. Prayer of forgiveness

The divorcing couple speaks these words, either in turn or simultaneously:

Eternal Friend, witness that I forgive [Name]
for any injuries sustained over the course of our relationship
whether by accident or willfully, carelessly or purposely
with words, deeds, thought, or attitudes
now or in previous incarnations.
May s/he not experience harm because of me.
May the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart
be acceptable to You, Who protects and frees me.

 

Witness:

 

Every ending is a new beginning. Although these two are no longer married in the eyes of God or the Jewish community, they will always be co-parents to their child. I invite them now to share promises they make to each other as co-parents.

 

The former partners read, taking turns:

 

I promise to keep our child’s needs at the forefront.

I promise never to speak ill of you to our child.

I promise to maintain good boundaries as we co-parent from separate households.

For the sake of our child, I promise to be as generous and flexible as life will permit.

I promise to join you in revisiting our custody arrangements every few years, so that we can adapt our practices to meet the changing needs of our growing child.

I promise to do everything in my power to maintain a friendly relationship with you so that we can share in our child’s joys and sorrows.

 

 

Each partner copies the following text in silence:

 

On the X day of the week, the Y day of the month of [Month] in the year 5776 from the creation of the world (equivalent to the secular date of [secular day, month, year]), here in [Place], near to the [name of the nearest river], I, [English name], also known as [Hebrew or any other name], do willingly consent to release you, my wife/husband [English name], also known as [Hebrew or any other name].

 

We are no longer bound together. If you so choose, you may remarry freely. Your doorway is no longer my doorway. Wherever life takes you, may you go in peace.

 

This is a bill of divorce, written in alignment with customs of MosesThe quintessential Jewish leader who spoke face to face with God, unlike any other prophet, and who freed the people from Egypt, led them through the desert for forty years, and received the Torah on Mt. Sinai. His Hebrew name is Moshe., MiriamMiriam is the sister of Moses and Aaron. As Moses' and Aaron's sister she, according to midrash, prophesies Moses' role and helps secure it by watching over the young baby, seeing to it that Pharaoh's daughter takes him and that the baby is returned to his mother for nursing. During the Israelites' trek through the desert, a magical well given on her behalf travels with the Israelites, providing water, healing, and sustenance., and the Jewish people.

 

Each document is signed by the person who wrote it and by the court of three witnesses.

 

 

Witness:

 

(making a cut in each document)

 

As my scissors cut into the heart of this document, divorce cuts deeply into the heart of those who are divorcing. Your hearts have already been torn. May receipt of this document help you heal.

 

Each partner places the paper they wrote, now signed and cut, into the cupped hands of the other. The partners turn away from each other and take three steps away from each other, signifying the beginning of the new life journey each will take alone.

 

 

Witness:

 

At the end of your wedding you shattered a glass, a reminder that in every joyous occasion there is some sorrow. Now that your marriage has broken like that glass, may you find that even in this sorrowful occasion there is access to joy.

 

Now go forth in peace, to life.

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Notes:

The idea that a marriage that has ended is like the broken tablets comes from Rabbi Leana Moritt, from Ritual Possibilities Within Traditional Gittin In a Pluralistic/Post Denominational Setting, 2008.

 

The prayer of forgiveness is adapted from Rabbi Zalman Schachter-Shalomi z”l’s translation of the bedtime prayer of forgiveness, part of the Bedtime ShemaThe most central prayer in Jewish liturgy, the Shema states: "Hear O Israel, the Lord Our God, the Lord is One." These words are written inside mezuzot and t'fillin. It is traditionally said during all major services and when waking and going to sleep..

 

The phrase “Your doorway is no longer my doorway” comes from Rabbi Goldie Milgram.

 

Regarding the cut in the document: “Be sure to explain that the cut does not sever the document in two. Rather, it cuts into the heart of the document just as divorce cuts deeply into the heart of those who are divorcing” (per Rabbi Pam Frydman).